Thursday, November 27, 2008

Dear Ma'Am

She is 16 years my senior. she is a biology teacher in a private school in the norht. she is smart, charming and attractive in her simplicity. no wonder she easily captured my fourteen-year-old heart.

it was a first in my life, a feeling so strange yet special. i spent sleepless nights thing about her, replaying in my head her intelligent discussion of the day's lesson, her confidently delivered lecture, her warm smile and her eyes that showed authority. there was a certain mystery about her, an aura that drew me closer and closer to her.

my young heart violently throbbed at the sight of her. the mention of her name sent my spirits soaring. i was cautious, conscious, and clumsy in her presence. she inspired me to study well so that i could impress her with smart answers in recitations and exams.

initially, i thought it was purely admiration, hero worship, or perhaps teenage crush. i thought the feeling would go away after some time.

i was wrong. no amount of rationalization could convince me it was not love. each day passed made the feeling more intense, more sincere, more honest. i had to tell her how i feel, because i could no longer bear to suffer in silence.

and so, with an unsigned note. i told her she was special and that i was falling for her. it was liberating and at the same time agonizing, for i didn't know how she would react if she found out it was me. i kept my distance and avoided any chance of eye contact which would give me away.

that note was followed by another. and another.

i didn't notice any significant cange in her, so i felt my secret was safe. i didn't tell anybody about it either for fear that i might spoil my love i undoubtly felt for her.

that summer, i frequently saw her in school. we worked on our school papers while ther were required to renmder summer service. surprise of all surprises, she gave me a present on my birthday and with it is a note that said i was special too.

i felt my knees shaking, my heart rapidly pulsating, my blood draining. so, she knew it all along. but what dud that present mean? it thrilled and yet puzzled me no end.

that incident pave the way for friendship to develop between her and me. we exchanged notes constantly but we had to be discreet about the whole thing. it was no ordinary friendship and surely, no one would understand it at first. she was my teacher and i felt it was my responsibility to protect her interest over mine.

every weekend, i visits her at home in disguise of submitting a project or asking questions about an assigned report, she welcomed me with warm.

one time, i came to her wet from the rain. she instantly dried me with a towel and offered a dry shirt.

the days that followed saw us exchanging glances every so often.

we understood each other's unspoken words. she never failed to start my day right by flashing her sweetest smil. i would pass by her classroom more often that i had to. there was so much affection that needed to be expressed. but her status prevented me from doing so. she was so respectable and dignified, and i did not want to mar that with any talk that might spread about us.

finally , she told me she loved me too. that was on june 25, 2001. my world stood still. i could not believe what i was hearing. she love me!

i wanted to shout, perhaps even scream that i loved her too. it was one jubilant moment i'd constantly play back in my mind.

i remember very well the first time i reached out for her hand. she did not resist. with our finger entwined, i knew i never wanted to let go of her. she was my life, my world revolved around her.

soon i had to go to college, i left with a heavy heart. part of me wanted to stay and another part of me wanted to find my place in the sun -- for her. she said i was bringing along with me her heart and her prayers.

the first days of my freshman year tore me to pieces. i wrote her letters everyday, i sent her chocolates and flowers, filled an entire manila paper with "i love you's" and went hime every time i had a chance.

she wrote back and every letter that i received took away my loneliness and gave me the needed push to persevere. our letters sustained us in our absence and distance from each other. i read each of her letters over and over again, memorizing the lines that spoke of her love.

one semestral break, i asked her out. we went on our first date ever to watch a movie about extinct dinosaurs come to life. in the dark, i held her close, her cheek against mine. soon we were kissing. too long had i wanted for that moment. i was ecstatic, the electricity was all over. i love her so much.

fate, however, would not allow our relationship to go on like that forever. it was my fault. i proved to be weak and unable to hold on to the beauty of our relationship. i opened the door to people and welcomed them to my world

my letters became scarce and eventually silence followd. i was too engrossed in my own would, struck by the variety and novelty of each new experience. i forgot about her. but i did not hear anything that suggested she was accusing me of abandoning her.

i found myself in a relationshio which lasted for just six months. it couldn't compare with the relationship i had with her.

hurted and bruised, i ran to her. she accepted me back. without any question or conditions. "a pail of dirty water does not make the ocean dark." she said. prodigal lover that i was, i knew my heart had found it way back to her.

the second chance she gave me made us to make up for lost time. we proved to be more affectionate and expressive of our love.

the ways were countless. she always brought something for me each time she went out of town. i have her my first salary. we showered each other with small presents that proved we were never far from each other's heart and mind. of course we had our dreams too, which includes growing old together.

i was so at home with her. we shared the same passion for literary works, movies, food, music and laughter. she accepted me for what i was -- fat, warts, scars,mood and all. there were no pretenses.

every time i looked at her. my heart never failed to beat a bit faster. there was magic, intensity, love in its purest and sincerest form.

i am now 23 and she is now in her late 30's. i have loved her for 11 years -- half of my life. i am finishing my degree in law. she is now a department head in the school where our story started.

ost people go through their lives searching but never finding the purpose of their existence. several times in the past, i lost my way too. my life went in circles, trapped in patterns that led to a maze. but i found my direction in her. now, i have a clear sense of purpose: to be with her until i breathe my last.

this is not an ordinary story but like most love stories, it is not without the trials and problems: petty quarrels, misunderstandings and arguments. there was never a major quarrel, though, we never raised our voices or uttered words that would cause other pain. i could never do anything to hurt her, and never, never will i make her cry.

with her, i have peace of mind. and that matters a lot. i have known her loyalty and fidelity. i am truly happy with her and willl continue to be so because i know i made the right choice. never mind if this is continously being questioned as regards its rightness or wrongness. never mind if society frowns on such relationships. never mind if she and i are of the same sex.

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